How to find out that a relationship won't work?
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While I was reading Mike's letter, I nearly cried. I have never met him face to face, but he became a friend to me from the very first letter. I have always admired his openness, and I am still sorry that I did not know him before, when this relationship was just beginning to develop. If he had not been so blinded with love to this woman, he'd have noticed some signs of her indifference long ago. Mike allowed me to use this letter and tell his story to others, so I'll paste the letter here and we'll think it over a little bit below.
«Hello Irina,
I hope you are doing well. Unfortunately, things did not work out for Olga and me. She was here just one month and we knew we were not right for each other.
I guess you never really know someone until you live with them. She flew back to Russia this week.
I cannot explain why, but she was so different from when we were together in Russia. From the day she arrived here, she was not loving or affectionate at all. She spent most of her time with her daughter, and I felt like I was a stranger in my own home. I expected her to have difficulties adjusting to life in America, but I did not expect to be lonelier with her here than before she arrived. She was also so emotional and unstable that we were arguing almost everyday. It became unbearable, and I knew we had made a terrible mistake. To give it more time would have just been a waste of time for both of us.
Anyway, I am sad and disappointed, but at least I gave it a try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I thought you might like to see some pictures of us during better times. Well I guess its back to the drawing board to find a loving wife.
Thank you for your kind words and wise advice. Yes, I am trying to put this behind me, but of course, every friend I meet wants to talk about what happened. They cannot believe it ended so soon, considering all the effort and expense I went through, and how highly I spoke about her before she arrived. I too cannot believe this happened, and do not really understand why, so it is hard for me to explain it to others.
Had she just been willing to be a little loving and affectionate, I would not have felt so hurt and confused about her real intentions. But without any love or passion, or even a simple kiss, I could not live that way for very long. I told her this several times, but she did not do anything to correct it, and even downplayed my request by laughing at me as if showing love and affection in a relationship was silly and not required! She felt we should just know we love each other inside, and outward affection was not part of true love. Her attitude about this scared me even more! Had she told me she was just
adjusting to the new life here and things would be better over time, I would have understood and given her all the time she needed, but to tell me loving affection and passion was not important in a relationship, really scared me!
She just teamed together with her daughter all the time and left me alone most of the time unless they needed me for something. I went through all of this effort to bring them here to be a loving family together, and not to be alone anymore, so how could she have been so foolish to not understand I needed her in my life, especially in the beginning when we were trying to decide whether to get married. She is 35 years old, not a 22-year-old kid, so I guess I expected a little more from her. As you said, maybe someday she will realize she should have been different, but now it is too late for us. :-(
I wish you all the best and let's keep in contact. Take care, Mike»
This is a sad story, it really is. But every lesson that life teaches us, makes us wiser and more experienced. So let us try to analyze what was not right with the relationship from the beginning, and how Mike could have avoided having this sad experience.
I think the very beginning of the romance between Mike and Olga was very exciting and seemed promising, for, as usually, it happened in situation of «compressed» time for both of them. The two people had no time to get to know each other really well. In this situation the man usually thinks «OK. It seems she's a great girl. I'll get to know her better through future correspondence, and I'd better start the fiancee visa process asap». The woman thinks: «Well, he is a nice man, at least he is intelligent, and not dangerous. So why not give it a try? If it does not work as marriage, I'll benefit anyway, by going to see his country.»
Many men know this is true. But very few would agree that in their particular situation the woman's secret thoughts will be exactly the same, however trustful her eyes may look. We never believe that we can step on the same rake as someone else did. Mike was so obsessed with his affection for her that he simply did not try being realistic.
In Mike's situation, every other man would probably do the same. Once the lady seems a good match, why not give it a try? At the moment of applying for the fiancee visa, he was aware that the things might not work well for them, but this woman touched him deeply enough to push him to take that decision...
Why did things seem to go so well in the beginning and why did everything go wrong when she came to the US? He says, he still does not know. He felt that something cracked in the relationship abut a month before she was scheduled to arrive to the USA. He thought it was just the anticipation of change in life on her part, and then the culture shock. He thought they would overcome it. But it proved to be different.
It seems hard to believe this, but I have dealt with very similar stories told by other couples or individuals. Russian women seem to experience a strong shock when they come to the USA, but even before this, the woman has to convince herself, and to receive confirmations from close people around, that she is taking the right decision.
Olga from Mike's story belongs to a category of strong, powerful and motivated women, who pursue their goals, set high requirements to themselves and expect a lot from their men. Olga was very hesitant about moving to the USA from the very beginning, because she has always been quite self-sufficient, and she never had problems with self-realization in Russia. Possibly, she should not have tried to start the relationship at all...
But all people make mistakes. And each relationship is a unity of two approaches; two looks on life, two different sets of character traits. No wonder that something did not work there.
OK. What to do then. Was there a way for Mike to find out earlier that the relationship won't work? I guess there was. If he was less emotionally involved, he would have noticed this. I think he could be more careful to the following from the beginning, an the whole story could turn the other way-
1. He could look deeper into her relatiionship with her daughter. Each mother has strong connection with her children, and the specifics of their relationship can tell much about the woman's looks on things.
2. The situation could turn for their favor if they developed deeper intimacy in their relationship before her arrival to the US. A difficult task, I know, but still...
3. I think they could both contribute from more open communication from the very beginning. It feels that something remained unrevealed till the last moment. That's why it "cracked" under the first slight pressure of cross-cultural differences.
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