Principles of Happy Marriage
by Irina Timchenko
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Some people say: “If two people love each other, they will be happy,”
- and spend years of life looking for the one who would love them.
Have you ever given serious thinking to the process of building your family – I mean, creating its basis step by step through a long process, as you would do if you were building your own house? “Certainly I have!” - you will say.
I believe you. But experience of numerous people shows that their ideas about future family life rather look like dreams than like real plans.
Some people say: “If two people love each other, they will be happy,” - and spend years of life looking for the one who would love them.
Others have their own approach: “Happiness means to be understood completely by the other person”. With years and experience, they add: “Happiness is when I am able to understand my spouse, as well.” - and again, they waste dozens of years looking for the one who understands...
Speaking generally, all the attempts to create an equation of family happiness come to the same statement: “Family life will be happy when the two people love each other”. OK. Why is the family happiness so fragile then? What prevents us from understanding each other well? Why does love pass away, when both of the spouses believe in it so strongly?
Let us put love aside, and think logically for a while. Let us study the “basement stones” of family building – and see what are the stones that keep the whole building.
To be sure that the building of family happiness is strong enough and can stand through storms, the two people who build it should not forget to put six stones into its basement. These are six principles of family happiness. Today we are going to study the main functions of these principles-stones. Here they are:
Principle one. Before getting married, every person should revise his/her previous relations with other people. One's got to change priorities. From now and on, the most important person for you will be your spouse. In grief and in happiness you will be together; you will offer a helping hand to each other every time it is necessary, and noone else can be as important to you as your spouse.
Principle two. However strong your love is, you MUST go on living your own life. Building family life is inseparable from building your self.
Living your own life means taking care of yourself, respecting yourself and progressing in your own career, interests, ambitions. This does not mean suppressing the other person or ignoring his/her interests. Let him/her develop, too. Do not parazitize, and do not let the other one parazitize on you.
I am sorry to write this, but this is a fact that the culture of family relations in my country is strongly affected by the irrational philosophy: I live for your sake (not for myself), you live for mine (not for yourself), and both of us are happy. This approach misleads people and brings them to major failure in the end. If a person, by some reason, suddenly loses his/her dearest person, he/she loses hard soil under his/her feet, and does not know how to live on. This happens because, in fact, this person has never lived at all – he/she was only a reflection of the one he/she loved. This philosophy keeps person in bad dependence on the other one's interests, likes, habits, and love.
Thus, to live a happy family life, you've got to live YOUR OWN life, follow the principle of rational egoism. Love others, and take care for the people you love. But do not forget to love yourself, as well. Take care for yourself, follow your own interests and likes.
Principle three. Be free. And let your dear friend be free, too. The degree of happiness in family is directly proportional to the degree of freedom. Freedom can be defined as freedom of choice and recognition of choice.
Train yourself by saying the following words to yourself every day. My freedom is not freedom from everyday duties. My freedom is recognition of necessity to choose my duties. I want to be happy, I want to feel free and independent, I want to live in accordance with others, that is why I am free to take the duties which I can and am ready to take.
Principle four. Learn to be open with your spouse. Standing close to each other presupposes being open. Do not be shy to express your feelings openly, do not be afraid to be laughed at or humiliated. There is nothing bad in being illogical, untidy or inconsiderate sometimes – the one who really wants to be near you, will understand you. Family life cannot be happy without this closeness of the two, and without openness between them.
Learning to be close and open to each other is the highest point spouses can reach in their relations. There are relatively few families of this kind. The two people have wo go through a long and difficult way to become really close to each other. This way takes lots of energy, effort and mutual devotion. But without this, there is no happy family.
Closeness of the two people is not only the basis of every marriage. It is your individual way of personal growth, as well. We will discuss this in one of our next articles. And now- principle five.
Principle five. Family happiness is impossible without development. Your love will fade down and your heart will lose its warmth without progressing forward. Try to move ahead – from decision of one problem to decision of another, and on. Develop yourself and let the other develop – and you will be rewarded by warming light of returned love.
Love between spouses looks more like stable friendship of two very close people, which was formed into friendship from romantic love of pre-marital period. Happy spouses usually have calm and trustful, stable and friendly relations.
Romantic love attracts and blinds, but love-friendship warms one up tenderly and gives confidence in yourself and in your future.
Principle six. Do not forget about romance! Without it, your relations will be cracked with treason. Both, men and women sooner or later start looking for romance which they lack in family. All of us want more adrenaline in our veins – this makes people look for romance aside from the family.
These are the six cornerstones of family happiness, which present a strong basis for every family building.
You may say – how easy!
Someone else may say – It's so easy to say!
Others may simply pass by and never pay attention.
But whatever your reaction is, each of you will have to give these six principles a serious thinking, as soon as you start building your family house.
And if you are already beginning the “construction” of your future – I would only wish you good luck, wisdom and patience.
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