Gender Issues and Marriage

Do you ever give enough thinking to the question of gender difference in relationships between men and women? Funny, but most of the couples never give it the deserved attention. Many women marry men, in part, because male strengths make up for their weaknesses. When woman is discouraged, she expects her man to be optimistic. When she feels shy, he must be bold. Being with HIM gives HER a sense of completeness.

There is a predictable difference between the sexes, but most of us take decisions based on our intuition, without realizing that we often evaluate our partner's behavior according to our own feminine/masculine standards. Admittedly, you'll always find exceptions. But research and experience generally point to this fundamental and powerful distinction: in times of stress, men need more space while women desire closeness.

According to John Gray in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (Harper Collins), men, when faced with stress, become increasingly "focused and withdrawn" while women become increasingly "overwhelmed and emotionally involved." Men typically don't want to talk about their pressures or be held and comforted until they have first had time to themselves. Under pressure, men set out on a quest for space, while in similar circumstances a woman craves the reassurance of relational security.

One of my old clients who became a friend over the years, shared a story of her first "gender-shock" experience, when her just-a-few-days-old marriage was in danger of collapse. Her husband got a bad fever, and pushed her away when she was trying to suggest help. "Our honeymoon was my first real encounter with this fundamental difference. At the time it couldn't have been more baffling, but today it makes perfect sense. As a man, Wes wanted space to "conquer" his illness. Once he achieved health, he was free to reconnect with me. For me, however, illness in either of us was another opportunity to strengthen our emotional bond; a chance to offer tenderness and support. That night on our honeymoon, as I lay moaning, Les gave me the gift of space not because he didn't care about me, but because he cared so much. In contrast, I interpreted his style of caring as cruelty."

Understanding the different ways men and women cope with stress becomes a major breakthrough for us. But it never completely bridges our gender gap. There is yet another fundamental difference we sooner or later come to discover.

After some time of living together, woman begins wondering why her man isn't as romantic as he used to be. "Before we got married he planned exciting evenings, kissed me at stoplights, saved ticket stubs from our dates and even wrote tender love poems. But once we were married, his romantic side waned. It wasn't that he stopped his romantic ways altogether, but something was distinctly different. Am I doing something wrong? Is he having doubts about our marriage?"

Again, the problem is not new at all! Every couple experiences it at some point of relationship. From man's perspective, his woman was more happy-go-lucky before they crossed the threshold. And this is right. In the very beginning, woman always feels good about the relationship and optimistic about the future. But soon comes the background concern about "our relationship." Without realizing it, woman relies on man's romantic gestures to serve as a love barometer. As those outward demonstrations of love diminish, she mistakenly believes his love is disappearing.

Then, everything rolls down with acceleration. Every compulsion to talk about relationship initiated by woman, makes him feel anxious, like he was failing as a husband. The turbulence experienced by couples is stemmed from the fact that men focus on achievement while women focus on experience.

The majority of men focus on future goals. They justify a present activity by what it will accomplish in the future. The man asks, "What good can this produce?" He likes words such as "progress" and "useful." He can be very patient doing romantic little things as long as they ultimately prove productive.

On the other hand, women focus on the feelings and activities of the present, for their own sake. Women don't need a goal; it's enough to simply enjoy the moment.

It always takes some time for the couple to learn of their gender differences, that men typically focus on autonomy and achievement while women tend to focus on connection and experience. And it takes even longer to value and appreciate those differences. And yet those differences, if heeded and accounted for, can become the source of greater intimacy.

"On our one-year anniversary, Wes and I returned to the same stretch of Oregon coast; this time minus the flu. And it was then that I began to give up my desire to eliminate our differences".

A big part of cultivating love and intimacy is learning to accept and respect each other's differences.

Recognizing a couple of fundamental differences between men and women allows us to avoid an ongoing battle between the sexes. In ways we never could have predicted, our differences, once appreciated and accepted on both sides, have made life better for each of us.


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